On an early morning just before the sun rose, Thandi drove through my gate and stepped out of their car. They were about 5 months pregnant and going through a major transitional moment in life, and we were about to immortalise this moment below the great Jacaranda trees in my garden.
The sunrise felt like a fitting time. An end of a night and a new day beginning. The moment just in between the two. As the sun rose we moved through the garden as in a trance, following the shifting shapes painted by the rising sun. The trees and their shadows hugged his body and framed his being. There was almost a mist rising from the ground, and there was surely magic in the air. To me, Thandi is magic embodied.
Connection to nature is important to Thandi, and the awe we both feel for trees, plants and the living that surrounds us, is one of the things I felt connected us early on. Months later, when we live in separate countries and when Thandi's daughter Lwandle is born. He says:
TG: "It (trees and nature) reminds me of the vastness of life and the vastness of my own being. Shared resources, shared love, shared joy, shared pain. Nature shows you that there are patterns within things. Things depend on and feed off of each other."
TG: "For me red is a very spiritually anchoring colour. I started using it in a very intuitive way but then got more context, especially with my lineage, about what it means for me.
The red for me signals a space of ritual and a space of connection and intentional protection. It's an armour that guards my body and spirit in a significant way. It is also a way that I connect very deeply with my great great grandfather. "
When I think of the moment when the sun pierced the trees and gently touched Thandi, I still get goosebumps. Dressed all in white, the red backlights of their car bounced off the fabric and I imagined the picture imprinting on my film as I pressed the shutter. When I later processed the film in my kitchen and saw the negative come out, I almost started crying.
Red has been a recurring colour used in Thandi's own work, spanning across photography, video and collage and exploring topics such as and reflection, ritual and the ongoing history of black queer people. They explain:
TG: "It's a very powerful colour. When I put it on or put it in a certain space, it's now very intentional. It anchors an energy that I feel is much bigger than me and can protect me beyond things that I understand or can perceive within my human mind. It anchors a spirit of my ancestors."
When we revisit this day and reflect on it, Lwandle is 3 months old. When I ask Thandi what it it has meant for them to become a parent, they speak about love and belonging:
TG: "Wow. The biggest thing that I am learning is how much I've been loved all along.
You know for a long time in my life I struggled with believing I belonged. Or believing how loved I am. Even when I was loved I always believed that there was so much I had to do to earn that love and deserve that love.
But having a child and loving them so unconditionally without any need for anything to happen except just them existing, has shown me how I have had that love in my life all along but it's just been difficult for me to accept. I guess just because of life experiences. And also the world creates such a currency and expectation around love."
TG: "It's also helped me navigate the world with a lot more love and a lot more sensitivity to what love can do. And what it can make people do. Whether it's good things or bad things. I think that's helping me operate with more care. In every aspect of my life there is just so much more care that I offer around my presence, my conversations, my tasks my time. /... /
When I show up it's because I've really made time to show up. Because there is so little time when you're a parent. There's you to take care of and there's a child to take care of. You now need to carve out how you spend your time in such an intentional way. Way more intentional than before.
There's so much more care in how I live my life now. And I love that."
As we approached the end of the shoot, Thandi changed into a deep red outfit. We had a conversation about whether they wanted this shoot to feature the colour that had so deeply been associated with their self-reflecting previous work or not, but in the end, it felt right:
TG: "It can be quite overwhelming, which is why I had a reluctance to share the colour with Lwandle. But, it turns out that's something that we both needed. To be protected by that powerful force. It's very heavy, but not in a devastating weight, just a weight that you can feel, that really sinks in. "
The red both connected Thandi to the surrounding succulents and plants and powerfully set him apart to shine in his own right. To share this earth and force with someone else has been important for Thandi, they continue:
TG: "For me, honestly it's also just given me the gift of being willing to live. Because I'm not, or rather I wasn't, one of those people who had any level of attachment to life. I was just happy whether I lived or not, it just was not a thing for me.
But once I had a child it gave my life more value. A sense of value that I feel like it's worth being on the planet for. Beyond just living."
Speaking on interconnectedness, intimacy and parenthood, Thandi says:
TG: "One last thing that being a parent has meant for me, is that I get to see the world from such new and fresh eyes and give myself completely to the process and sight that I have been gifted. Just watching somebody learn the basics of life. From being able to see, recognise people, being able to make sounds and communicate. These really small things are really changing my appreciation and perception of life and time.
I feel fully there, my entire presence is required for that process. "
Just like the trees and succulents held and supported the shapes of Thandi's and Lwandle's bodies this day, growth and transition remains central the way he now wants to lead his life. Parenthood and community for Thandi is to both give and receive abundantly. Sharing moments like this morning with him has felt like such a gift to me.
TG: "And I am so willing to give so much of myself, as much of myself as I can give to this person. So that they can continue to open up and blossom in their process, and for me that feels like completion of this journey on this earth. It feels like part of what I am really here to do is just to love to that extent. To give so much of myself.
It's watering me and nurturing me, it's filling a part of me that has always felt the need to pour so much love into something and see it grow. I really don't expect anything back, I get so much just from watching her grow, you know?"
Things depend on and feed off of each other.
Thandiwe Gula-Ndebele (he/they) is a multi-modal and multi-disciplinary storyteller based in Harare, Zimbabwe. They are a descendant of the waters and engage in healing through ancestral Ndebele and Shona knowledge, sharing with intention and care their love with their surrounding.
Currently working with photography, film and collage to document his community - they tell stories of freedom within the African diaspora, belonging and self representation for Black Queer people, interconnectedness and mental wellbeing. Having worked and shown awarded projects in Zimbabwe, South Africa, USA and Canada, their practice spans across borders.